When Seth and I were in Africa, we were fortunate enough to visit 2 of the 3 prisons where Nelson Mandela was detained, the most striking and memorable to us was Robben Island, where he was held for 18 years, for fighting for the freedom of people. Still today, after everything he has encountered and all the persecution, he remains positive and optimistic.
For the first time in my 6 years living with diabetes I want to take my insulin pump off. While, it may not seem like a big deal to some, it is to me. I’ve reached a new point in my diabetes life and am experiencing another diabetes first.
I long to roll around on my sides and not get tangled in tubing or have to move the pump. I want to get a massage without having my therapist work around my site and not having an area massaged. I want my chiropractic adjustments to not be awkward and feel the cannula poking my muscle. I want to be able to put lotion on in the morning, without having to work around an infusion site, I want to be able to rub and itch my skin like anybody else does. I want to not have an abdomen and sides that look like pin cushions from bleeding, bruising, painful sites.
A couple weekends ago, Seth and I laid low and stayed in, relaxing at home. We went to bed early on Saturday, I crawled into bed, got cozy, then said, “fuck, I have to change my site.” I ripped it off, and felt this sudden freedom; I started giggling, rolling around and rubbing on my sides like I haven’t done in years? I laid there for a while, before finally dragging my ass out of bed and changing my site, since you know, I have to have insulin or I’ll die and I’m a responsible adult. This insertion stung a little more than usual, perhaps because my 10 minute freedom was no more. Since that night, I’ve been thinking about it constantly.
I know my feelings are normal, but they’re not normal for me. It’s an odd feeling to want things you’ve never wanted before and in a million years, I would have never thought I’d be saying, “I’m really tired of having this fecking medical device attached to me 365/24/7!”
Interesting when the pump itself has provided me with so many freedoms, yet I want freedom from it.